snufflespf (snufflespf) wrote in botherandbother,
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New Moon Commentary! (spoilers!)

So I had a paper to write today.

I watched New Moon instead. Since I don't believe in giving the Twilight franchise money, I found it online. For free. I suggest you do the same, and read this commentary while you watch. It made me happy to write and I hope it makes you happy to read.


[12/1/2009 7:01:16 PM] Cole: what is that stupid accent that rpattz puts on? does he know what americans sound like?
[12/1/2009 7:02:34 PM] Cole: wow. bella's retarded. i'm sorry. i can't get over this.
[12/1/2009 7:37:33 PM] Cole: ok, going by the movies, i like jacob. he is not a fucktard.
[12/1/2009 7:40:15 PM] Lola: is he the one bright spot in a sea of fucktards?
[12/1/2009 7:40:37 PM] Cole: he is, actually. he makes fun of bella. a lot. people should do that more often.
[12/1/2009 7:40:51 PM] Lola: i quite agree
[12/1/2009 7:41:03 PM] Cole: but he is also in love with her. which makes me sad. because it's loving teasing, not malicious hate mongering.
[12/1/2009 7:41:24 PM] Lola: damn!
[12/1/2009 7:41:55 PM] Cole: nobody maliciously hate mongers bella anymore. i used to hate rosalie for being mean to her. now i realize that in the first book she was the only one with any sense.
[12/1/2009 7:42:26 PM] Cole: i root for the volturi.
[12/1/2009 7:42:31 PM] Cole: that's what team i'm on!
[12/1/2009 7:42:34 PM] Cole: team volturi ftw!
[12/1/2009 7:44:08 PM] Cole: oh, there's a werewolf named sam. how fun.
[12/1/2009 7:44:29 PM] Cole: you know what's sad? bella's about to jump off a cliff and i know she survives.
[12/1/2009 7:44:56 PM] Lola: i'm going to knitting club, but feel free to keep me updated with your commentary. i can read it while i watch
[12/1/2009 7:45:04 PM] Cole: oh i will
[12/1/2009 7:45:18 PM] Cole: NOBODY LEARNS HOW TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE THAT QUICKLY, MARY SUE.
[12/1/2009 7:45:33 PM] Cole: oh, she didn't do well. ok. never mind.
[12/1/2009 7:46:23 PM] Cole: oh no, you're bleeding. let me take off my shirt to help you.
[12/1/2009 7:46:40 PM] Cole: ...bella just called jacob beautiful.
[12/1/2009 7:46:42 PM] Cole: wtf
[12/1/2009 7:46:50 PM] Cole: this movie is so ridiculous
[12/1/2009 7:48:53 PM] Cole: bella is so duuuuuuuuuuuuuuumb.
[12/1/2009 7:49:41 PM] Cole: also, if you want an adrenaline rush from a movie, you don't go see an action movie. you see horror movies. action movies don't give you adrenaline. they give the characters adrenaline. horror movies scare the fuck out of you and that is adrenaline.
[12/1/2009 7:50:18 PM] Cole: wow. mike and jacob are both holding out their hands for bella to hold. what a mary sue.
[12/1/2009 7:54:44 PM] Cole: jake's wolfing out!!
[12/1/2009 7:55:00 PM] Cole: (yes, i did just make a big wolf on campus reference)
[12/1/2009 7:58:50 PM] Cole: oh god. it's not you it's me. really, jacob? being a werewolf is fucking awesome. don't be scared to tell her. she's a fangbanger. she understands.
[12/1/2009 7:59:26 PM] Cole: why does every guy in her life leave her because they think they'll hurt her? and why does she feel the need to chase after these abusive men?
[12/1/2009 7:59:46 PM] Cole: ALICE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. STOP WRITING TO HER. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HER FUCKING ADDRESS.
[12/1/2009 8:00:42 PM] Cole: and now she's dreaming of the least romantic scene in the first movie where they just lay there 8 feet apart from each other and look at each other? that is not romance. that is creepy.
[12/1/2009 8:01:41 PM] Cole: finally. the only person with sense in this movie.
[12/1/2009 8:03:14 PM] Cole: laurent. and you know why he's the only person with sense? because he's trying to kill bella.
[12/1/2009 8:03:38 PM] Cole: JACOB IS A WEREWOLF. HE'S LIABLE TO BITE SOMEONE IN CLASS. THAT COULD BE REAL BAD.
[12/1/2009 8:06:05 PM] Cole: as much as i appreciate this, why does jacob no longer own shirts?
[12/1/2009 8:10:07 PM] Cole: why are all the men in bella's life creepy and supernatural and slightly abusive?
[12/1/2009 8:10:30 PM] Cole: and why does she feel the need to tell them what they are?
[12/1/2009 8:11:02 PM] Cole: BELLA JUST PUNCHED A RIPPED INDIAN WEREWOLF. THAT'S AWESOME. AND NOW HE'S GOING TO EAT HER. THAT'S EVEN MORE AWESOME.
[12/1/2009 8:14:23 PM] Cole: who's that chick that jacob is macking on?
[12/1/2009 8:14:45 PM] Cole: oh wait. not jacob. damn, this vid quality sucks. all i see is tattoos and hot biceps.
[12/1/2009 8:15:24 PM] Cole: ...did she just ask him if he can stop being a werewolf?
[12/1/2009 8:15:27 PM] Cole: is she retarded?
[12/1/2009 8:16:19 PM] Cole: poor laurent. :(
[12/1/2009 8:17:34 PM] Cole: oh, you're not killing anyone 77 minutes into the movie. be quiet.
[12/1/2009 8:19:53 PM] Cole: victoria, only vampire slaying cheerleaders have those kinds of moves. you're not allowed to backflip over your enemy. you use your super speed to run away. that's how vampires do in this world.
[12/1/2009 8:20:07 PM] Cole: we're not in buffyland where you're allowed to be awesome.
[12/1/2009 11:57:24 PM] Cole: yay! she jumped off a cliff!
[12/1/2009 11:57:33 PM] Cole: boo... she survived...
[12/1/2009 11:57:44 PM] Cole: wave! get her!
[12/1/2009 11:57:52 PM] Cole: even the ocean doesn't like her...
[12/1/2009 11:58:21 PM] Cole: ooh... she looks... dead
[12/1/2009 11:59:16 PM] Cole: jacob, please always be shirtless forever. in this shithole of a movie your abs are the only reason i'm still sane.
[12:00:07 AM] Cole: victoria. you're a creeper.
[12:00:14 AM] Cole: happy wednesday!
[12:00:26 AM] Cole: ...wolves never get cold? really?
[12:00:48 AM] Cole: kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss. doooooooooooooooo it.
[12:01:38 AM] Cole: oh, here we go. what if i got mad at you and accidentally killed you? WE'D ALL BE HAPPIER.
[12:02:14 AM] Cole: i will make sure you stay yourself by macking it with you. right now. do it.
[12:02:20 AM] Cole: MACKAGE. YES.
[12:02:27 AM] Cole: oh, and now the shame.
[12:02:43 AM] Cole: vampire!
[12:02:51 AM] Cole: which vampire?
[12:02:55 AM] Cole: all the vampires?
[12:03:01 AM] Cole: victoria vampire?
[12:03:18 AM] Cole: cullens?
[12:03:31 AM] Cole: oh, the suspense.
[12:03:34 AM] Cole: ALICE YAY
[12:04:02 AM] Cole: i love alice.
[12:04:26 AM] Cole: she called bella an idiot. 'bout fucking time.
[12:04:41 AM] Cole: of course edward wants to be alone. he always wants to be alone.
[12:04:45 AM] Cole: he's an emo vampire.
[12:05:51 AM] Cole: don't call jacob a mutt. he's a purebred werewolf.
[12:06:09 AM] Cole: but then again, alice is a purebred BADASS so it doesn't really matter.
[12:06:47 AM] Cole: yeah, alice can stay. cuz she's a BADASS.
[12:07:27 AM] Cole: everytime they talk about sam, i laugh. because sam merlotte is clearly the best shapeshifting sam around.
[12:08:02 AM] Cole: phone!pooka.
[12:08:49 AM] Cole: EEEEEEEEEEDWARD.
[12:09:04 AM] Cole: jacob, what the fuck is your deal?
[12:09:16 AM] Cole: stop being a debbie downer. this movie is depressing enough.
[12:10:52 AM] Cole: edward's back! yay...?
[12:11:03 AM] Cole: TEAM VOLTURI FTW
[12:12:14 AM] Cole: of course they're trying to recruit edward. the hero always has assets that the bad guys want and ALICE IS SO BADASS SHE WEARS A HEADSCARF WHILE SHE DRIVES.
[12:12:31 AM] Cole: random thought: i wish vampires could fly,
[12:12:37 AM] Cole: just saying. it would be awesome.
[12:13:20 AM] Cole: there would be a festival celebrating the eradication of vampires when all the vampires ever converge on the city.
[12:13:30 AM] Cole: stephenie meyer, why are you soooooo predictable?
[12:14:11 AM] Cole: it's ok, bella. nothing's going to happen. he's the hero and the hero can't die.
[12:14:33 AM] Cole: SPARKLESPARKLESPARKLEPUTYOURSHIRTBACKON
[12:15:13 AM] Cole: how adorable. they're reunited.
[12:15:29 AM] Cole: he's smiling?
[12:15:30 AM] Cole: odd.
[12:15:39 AM] Cole: facial expressions are so rare in this saga.
[12:16:26 AM] Cole: of course he lied! wow, bella. you really are a fucktard.
[12:16:57 AM] Cole: this is so saccharine. i really feel as though i might throw up all over his pale, weird looking body.
[12:17:31 AM] Cole: they're going to hell anyway, according to you.
[12:17:56 AM] Cole: dakota fanning? what are you doing here? get out of my horrible movie!
[12:18:17 AM] Cole: this is no place for an adorable and talented little actress like you
[12:19:02 AM] Cole: italian! yay!
[12:19:55 AM] Cole: what a silly robe you're wearing, edward.
[12:21:11 AM] Cole: bella, ur so speshul. awl da vampiers wantz yoo.
[12:21:48 AM] Cole: but dey cantz haz yoo. yoo r imyoon 2 deyr powrs.
[12:23:31 AM] Cole: slow mo vampire fight!
[12:24:01 AM] Cole: wait. no. just slow mo kicking edward's ass. wait no again. now they're actually fighting. but edward is still getting the shit beaten out of him.
[12:24:12 AM] Cole: WHAM RIGHT ON THE STAIRS
[12:24:50 AM] Cole: she'd die for the one she loves. we got that from the first movie.
[12:24:55 AM] Cole: where have you been?
[12:26:14 AM] Cole: aww, how cute. running through the forest like a vampire.
[12:27:20 AM] Cole: i was kind of kidding about being on team volturi... but now i'm not.
[12:27:33 AM] Cole: the volturi rock. and i want them to win.
[12:28:24 AM] Cole: blah blah let's explain everything that everyone already knows
[12:29:10 AM] Cole: i'm fine. there's just a vampire under my bed.
[12:29:18 AM] Cole: don't worry about it. it's not important.
[12:30:35 AM] Cole: every time edward opens his mouth i roll my eyes and throw up a little. his speech is that repulsive to me.
[12:31:13 AM] Cole: bella, would you quit being a whiny little bitch for once?
[12:31:48 AM] Cole: JASPER YOU ARE THE FUCKING GREATEST PERSON EVER.
[12:33:02 AM] Cole: edward's going to give her the silent treatment now?
[12:33:04 AM] Cole: sweet.
[12:33:34 AM] Cole: someone's gonna smackabtich
[12:33:48 AM] Cole: vampire werewolf showdown. ready? go.
[12:34:35 AM] Cole: this is so dumb.
[12:34:45 AM] Cole: jacob, you can't take the choice away from bella.
[12:34:49 AM] Cole: edward, same as above.
[12:35:04 AM] Cole: bella, MAKE A DECISION AND STOP FALLING IN LOVE WITH RANDOM SUPERNATURAL CREATURES.
[12:35:15 AM] Cole: grow a pair.
[12:35:44 AM] Cole: SHOWDOWN TIME
[12:36:00 AM] Cole: bella, shut up and let the grownups tear each other to pieces.
[12:37:35 AM] Cole: propose.
[12:37:36 AM] Cole: now.
[12:37:39 AM] Cole: do it.
[12:37:46 AM] Cole: this movie is already absurd enough.
[12:37:58 AM] Cole: you'll only make it better.
[12:38:02 AM] Cole: there we go.
[12:38:18 AM] Cole: OH WHAT A SHOCKER. I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
[12:38:23 AM] Cole: the end.
Tags: !snufflespf, new moon, parody, twilight
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